Why ? Why can't I presume on, weakling much ? Ya you bet. I've been praying since the day I arrived but still I can't see where is this going. Sure there comes a time where I was pretty damn happy, but apparently nonchalant and reluctant both are impeding for the pass few days. Which brings me finding myself here typing, feeling useless as ever, baring my soul for nothing or something, heck I don't know. A simple task you see, nothing much but why can't I get it through and be done with it ? Before I even think of making my journey here, this.. this has been a vehement refusal for me but I end up telling myself I can and I will. Just stay there for a total 5 weeks ... boom done, is that too much to ask huh Annice ?
What am I feeling right now is like a bloody roller coaster ride with the absence of it's control panel. Believe me I prayed, hard as a matter a fact, maybe too hard, nahh that's rubbish. Still.. the feeling can't seem to fade away.I find it ridiculously hard, both mentally and spiritually for me to be here. Is not about you Annice, you're here to learn, to grown. Maybe it doesn't have to be this way to improve my spiritual life, or maybe is the fact that I'm not ready... yet. There's always next year right !? Why can't I overcome it ? I've never quit (except guitar and gymnast), ahh fine I've quited before, but why do I have vehemence towards this ? I'm like interrogating myself now. Well simple, I have two answer for myself, useless and weak. There I go, feeling better !?
I've never been more disappointed at myself, letting my parents down as always or at least I think I am. What the #&%#@ I don't know. I've achieve most of the stuff I listed down and what my parents wish me to do and why is it all except this particular thing I can't fulfill it ? How am I going to step up and move on in future ? One of the many reason I do not wish to be here is because of the extreme teaching. The stuff I read from the application is somewhat different from what they're educating us here. Believe me, I'm not the only one who wants to scream and stare till the front gate opens and make our great escape. I'm sorry, I've fail in so many ways that even I myself feel shameful to talk about it. I feel so insecure, I do want to be strong, I know I can but being presumptuous these few days finally got me breakdown earlier this afternoon.
Uselessly I don't know what else I can do to adapt this. I can see that 25th of January is looming, great; weee another day of sorrow. It's been nearly a year now, how are you doing ? Most importantly how's your family doing ? The ones who tragically lost their son, brother, family member. Maybe I don't have to do this to make you happy. There are lots of other ways to be exult about. I don't have to attend this to make my life stronger. Ya.. pfft maybe. I was damn semangat and damn sure of myself at the last previous post, but then look what happen now ? Laugh all you want people.
I did gain something, but you know certain courses stressed me out much so. I may not know what the problem is, either me or something else. I just don't think is right for me, by reading the applications yeah. But because of promoting they boleh change sikit what right !? Other than that, the companies are great. Played mafias practically every night till dawn. Just self issues here, can't blurt it all out cause I don't feel comfortable doing so, sighhh again. Wanted to talk with a few people but unfortunately can't find myself talk with this particular person. Forget it, but thank you Amanda thank you so much for being there when I need you. Tatatadaaaa Mandeee to the rescue !! hehehe I'll think about it and see how both of my parents think. :)
I'm sorry for everything.
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